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Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.