Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
This took me a second..
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.