I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Okay
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I needed a laugh this morning.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary