Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.