Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
i hope my email finds you on fire
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”