Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*