When can I start eating bats again.
You Might Also Like
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
LMAO.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.