The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night