13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!