We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?