Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.