The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Knock Knock
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”