If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When you’ve simply given up.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’m confused about plants
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.