Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up