[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You Might Also Like
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.