8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Worst bar ever.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me