Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Risking my life for fun.