I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
This took me a second..
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This is hilarious….
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.