When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …