Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
You Might Also Like
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m sorry…what?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.