Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.