Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand