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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*