What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.