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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Running from your problems is cardio .
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]