Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.