2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.