When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.