I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box