Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”