I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies