Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
me adding lol on a serious message
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.