The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”