[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*