the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]