Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”