Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Its a hippotatomus
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”