you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Made something I’m not proud of
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI