People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Rather alarming headline…
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I wanna be friends with this person
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw