I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.