I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.