starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.