As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
When you kidnap a writer.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.