Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wait a minute
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Beauty and the Beast
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.