Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
#oldknees
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.