Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?