Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident