scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”