Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Duolingo getting serious.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged