Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.